What I learned today is how I'm given to being nice with adults. I can be straight with my kids because I know that's what they need to hear. It's pretty straightforward, you do this, here's the consequence. You behave like that this is the outcome. No emotions, nothing. It's just fact.
Kids can listen to that (or not) and that's okay. They'll get it in their own way - either through reward of the outcome or feeling it's negative consequence.
Today, I had to be straight and describe someone's behavior and the impact it has on everyone including myself. What a huge relief. I've been trying to help someone in every way possible and after a while it's really up to them to step up and help themselves. What I tell my kids is I'm paddling 100% for your success, you have to be paddling 100% for your own success. This business of splash, splash then coast is not going to work.
If everyone could get a sense of the immense impact their behavior has on everyone in their life, on every facet of their life, they would have an amazing, extraordinary life of freedom, fun, and play. Things would open up in the most unbelievable way.
Today, I took a dose of the being straight vitamin.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Ideals, Expectations and What's Possible
I did not write this, Nancy Zapolski did. She is truly insightful, amazing and I want to share this with you.
From the words of poets throughout the ages to Zadie Smith’s latest novel, On Beauty, to novelist and philosopher Umberto Eco’s comments, beauty gets a lot of ink. “Beauty is a mess, a sinkhole, a trap,” says Eco. “Approach it philosophically, and you risk getting bogged down in questions of idealism, empiricism, subjectivity, and objectivity. Plato began the conversation, Kant tried to finish it. Take a cultural run at it, and you’re stumbling over issues of relativism, where nothing is either beautiful or ugly but time, class, nation, or ethnicity makes it so.”
These issues of relativism, of arbitrary ideals and standards, become so real and unquestioned, they become powerful yet mostly invisible determinants that shape our lives.
We traffic daily in concepts like beauty, success, generosity, intelligence—they hold a place in every peer group, every community, every culture around the world. They exist as ideals, expectations, and standards. While their specific expressions and definitions vary from place to place, situation to situation—in one country beautiful means Rubenesque, in another, wafer thin—we all strive for ideals. They are the measures we use every day—to see where we stand, how we fit in, how we stack up.
Ideals have enormous practical value. They can be powerful catalysts motivating us to open new frontiers, excel in sports, establish such principles as justice and democracy, or set benchmarks for educational, medical, and technological progress. They permeate every aspect of our lives. Ideals can awaken passion and an urgency that calls forth excellence, persistence, and going beyond our perceived limits, allowing for something new and surprising to emerge.
There is also a downside. One that is subtle, grows, and over time can take hold.
The dictionary defines “ideal” as being a model or archetype, something thought of as perfect, or exactly as one would wish. When we are driven by the ideal, we almost by definition fall short. Holding on to an ideal, while spurring us on, can also keep us from seeing what else is possible. We can’t imagine what we might create or do because we are held captive by the particular ideal we hold in our minds.
An ideal can become a “failed possibility”—a possibility that wasn’t achieved, but one that stays around as something that is not possible, now or perhaps ever. A failed possibility is something like when we make up our minds to handle something in a particular way and we don’t—for example, we mean to be compassionate, but we find ourselves judging; we want to speak up, go for the promotion, make our contribution, but find ourselves not taking action.
When that happens we see ourselves as having failed in some way. It’s not just that a thing failed, but that we failed. To the degree that the characteristics or properties with which we identify ourselves are ideals—beautiful, magnanimous, successful, whatever—we decide we don’t have what it takes, and who we are becomes diminished.
Now, throw into the mix “expectations.” Expectations can be considered a possibility that we’ve destroyed as a possibility, because we counted on it. If, for example, we really study and think we’re going to get a high grade on an exam, or we train hard to make the cut for a sports team, but it doesn’t pan out—what lived for us as a possibility, but failed, can leave us questioning ourselves, and the stuff of which we are made. We then try to go out and create a new possibility, but against a backdrop that negates it. We stop trusting the possibilities we create, we turn down the dials, adjust and accommodate—we settle for less. Possibilities devolve into ideals, and ideals begin to masquerade as possibility. We lose our power.
How we relate to our setbacks and circumstances has everything to do with what’s possible. Responses like “it’s not my fault,” “I didn’t invent the rules,” or “it just happened that way” might seem legitimate but leave us paying a price—the price is a loss of power. Responsibility—acknowledging our cause in the matter, seeing where we have been inauthentic, taking whatever actions we need to take, and telling the truth about it—is key to restoring and having power.
It’s not that the ideal or expectation is bad, by any means, it’s collapsing the two and relating to them in the same way that power is lost. As shown in the diagram, an expectation or ideal unfulfilled leads to a lack of power, where a possibility unfulfilled still leads to a possibility—and no loss of power or freedom.
Access to restoring our power is in language. When we’re clear that we’ve got something to say about who we are, we can separate out our interpretation from the circumstance—the disparity between something that happened, and the possibility of who we are. What we say to ourselves and about ourselves, silently and out loud, once or a million times, shapes our possibilities for being. Our ideals, standards, and expectations occur in language. Our reluctance, accommodation, and powerlessness occur in language. But language is also the home—the only home—of possibility. What determines whether possibility (a creative act) or failed possibility (an ideal masquerading as possibility) will carry the day is up to each of us. The choice is ours.
This is the crux of what I learn in Landmark Education; it's about what it is to be human, being with our own humanity, confronting what needs to be confronted, having compassion for ourselves and others, empowering ourselves so we can make the difference, be the gift and enrich society. Nancy is a seasoned seminar leader - who volunteers her time so we can be all of our possibility.
From the words of poets throughout the ages to Zadie Smith’s latest novel, On Beauty, to novelist and philosopher Umberto Eco’s comments, beauty gets a lot of ink. “Beauty is a mess, a sinkhole, a trap,” says Eco. “Approach it philosophically, and you risk getting bogged down in questions of idealism, empiricism, subjectivity, and objectivity. Plato began the conversation, Kant tried to finish it. Take a cultural run at it, and you’re stumbling over issues of relativism, where nothing is either beautiful or ugly but time, class, nation, or ethnicity makes it so.”
These issues of relativism, of arbitrary ideals and standards, become so real and unquestioned, they become powerful yet mostly invisible determinants that shape our lives.
We traffic daily in concepts like beauty, success, generosity, intelligence—they hold a place in every peer group, every community, every culture around the world. They exist as ideals, expectations, and standards. While their specific expressions and definitions vary from place to place, situation to situation—in one country beautiful means Rubenesque, in another, wafer thin—we all strive for ideals. They are the measures we use every day—to see where we stand, how we fit in, how we stack up.
Ideals have enormous practical value. They can be powerful catalysts motivating us to open new frontiers, excel in sports, establish such principles as justice and democracy, or set benchmarks for educational, medical, and technological progress. They permeate every aspect of our lives. Ideals can awaken passion and an urgency that calls forth excellence, persistence, and going beyond our perceived limits, allowing for something new and surprising to emerge.
There is also a downside. One that is subtle, grows, and over time can take hold.
The dictionary defines “ideal” as being a model or archetype, something thought of as perfect, or exactly as one would wish. When we are driven by the ideal, we almost by definition fall short. Holding on to an ideal, while spurring us on, can also keep us from seeing what else is possible. We can’t imagine what we might create or do because we are held captive by the particular ideal we hold in our minds.
An ideal can become a “failed possibility”—a possibility that wasn’t achieved, but one that stays around as something that is not possible, now or perhaps ever. A failed possibility is something like when we make up our minds to handle something in a particular way and we don’t—for example, we mean to be compassionate, but we find ourselves judging; we want to speak up, go for the promotion, make our contribution, but find ourselves not taking action.
When that happens we see ourselves as having failed in some way. It’s not just that a thing failed, but that we failed. To the degree that the characteristics or properties with which we identify ourselves are ideals—beautiful, magnanimous, successful, whatever—we decide we don’t have what it takes, and who we are becomes diminished.
Now, throw into the mix “expectations.” Expectations can be considered a possibility that we’ve destroyed as a possibility, because we counted on it. If, for example, we really study and think we’re going to get a high grade on an exam, or we train hard to make the cut for a sports team, but it doesn’t pan out—what lived for us as a possibility, but failed, can leave us questioning ourselves, and the stuff of which we are made. We then try to go out and create a new possibility, but against a backdrop that negates it. We stop trusting the possibilities we create, we turn down the dials, adjust and accommodate—we settle for less. Possibilities devolve into ideals, and ideals begin to masquerade as possibility. We lose our power.
How we relate to our setbacks and circumstances has everything to do with what’s possible. Responses like “it’s not my fault,” “I didn’t invent the rules,” or “it just happened that way” might seem legitimate but leave us paying a price—the price is a loss of power. Responsibility—acknowledging our cause in the matter, seeing where we have been inauthentic, taking whatever actions we need to take, and telling the truth about it—is key to restoring and having power.
It’s not that the ideal or expectation is bad, by any means, it’s collapsing the two and relating to them in the same way that power is lost. As shown in the diagram, an expectation or ideal unfulfilled leads to a lack of power, where a possibility unfulfilled still leads to a possibility—and no loss of power or freedom.
Access to restoring our power is in language. When we’re clear that we’ve got something to say about who we are, we can separate out our interpretation from the circumstance—the disparity between something that happened, and the possibility of who we are. What we say to ourselves and about ourselves, silently and out loud, once or a million times, shapes our possibilities for being. Our ideals, standards, and expectations occur in language. Our reluctance, accommodation, and powerlessness occur in language. But language is also the home—the only home—of possibility. What determines whether possibility (a creative act) or failed possibility (an ideal masquerading as possibility) will carry the day is up to each of us. The choice is ours.
This is the crux of what I learn in Landmark Education; it's about what it is to be human, being with our own humanity, confronting what needs to be confronted, having compassion for ourselves and others, empowering ourselves so we can make the difference, be the gift and enrich society. Nancy is a seasoned seminar leader - who volunteers her time so we can be all of our possibility.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Annonymous Good Deed
I am a clearing for generosity showing up at my door.
In cleaning up Nina's bedroom aka storage room (in my quest to collect Nina stuff for taking to Europe) I came across 15 telephone directories - all huge. I walked outside, and yet another set was waiting for me on the driveway, and as I brought it in, I noticed one more sitting on the desk waiting to be moved.
I went to dinner with David last night for our Velocity group meeting and requested we sit at a table since my legs dangle in booths and the table reaches up to my chin (well almost). I thanked him for his generosity. Part of our initiative is "Granting Being." So I could have made him wrong during the evening, I granted being and placed myself in acceptance (which equates to love). He settled, opened up, and started sharing also how great his life was and how much he had accomplished in a short space of time. At the end of the evening, he surruptiously paid for my dinner, and had me take home the entire leftovers. Generous.
This morning, I open up my email and receive this: 100 Random Acts of Kindness link. My homework is the annonymous good deed and I find myself stuck at the usual things I always do. This ups the ante with great ideas.
May generosity show up at your door.
Send someone a hand written note of thanks.
Make a card at home and send it to a friend for no reason.
Buy a lottery ticket for a stranger.
Put some coins in someone else’s parking meter.
Cut your neighbor’s hedge.
Walk your friend’s dog.
Give a compliment about your waiter/waitress to his/her manager.
Send someone a small gift anonymously.
Stop and help someone replace their flat tire.
Let someone jump the line at the bank.
Pay for the drinks on the next table at a café.
Treat a friend to the movies for no reason.
Give a huge tip to someone when they least expect it.
Hold the train door open for someone rushing to get in.
Give up your seat for someone, not just an elderly person.
Write notes of appreciation at least once a week.
Talk to a homeless person and have a “normal” conversation.
Pick up some rubbish in the road which would otherwise be lying around.
Compliment a work colleague for their excellence.
Recommend a competitor to a potential client.
Give another driver your parking spot.
Give a piece of fruit to a delivery person.
Help an elderly neighbor carry the rubbish out.
Tell all your family members how much your appreciate them.
Leave a copy of an interesting book on a train/bus.
Buy an inspirational book for a friend.
Send a thank you note to a person who has helped you in the past.
Smile a lot.
Once you get started, you may find it a habit hard to break!
For even more inspiration, and support from other people who are passionate about passing on kindness to others, check out The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation at www.ActsOfKindness.org.
In cleaning up Nina's bedroom aka storage room (in my quest to collect Nina stuff for taking to Europe) I came across 15 telephone directories - all huge. I walked outside, and yet another set was waiting for me on the driveway, and as I brought it in, I noticed one more sitting on the desk waiting to be moved.
I went to dinner with David last night for our Velocity group meeting and requested we sit at a table since my legs dangle in booths and the table reaches up to my chin (well almost). I thanked him for his generosity. Part of our initiative is "Granting Being." So I could have made him wrong during the evening, I granted being and placed myself in acceptance (which equates to love). He settled, opened up, and started sharing also how great his life was and how much he had accomplished in a short space of time. At the end of the evening, he surruptiously paid for my dinner, and had me take home the entire leftovers. Generous.
This morning, I open up my email and receive this: 100 Random Acts of Kindness link. My homework is the annonymous good deed and I find myself stuck at the usual things I always do. This ups the ante with great ideas.
May generosity show up at your door.
Send someone a hand written note of thanks.
Make a card at home and send it to a friend for no reason.
Buy a lottery ticket for a stranger.
Put some coins in someone else’s parking meter.
Cut your neighbor’s hedge.
Walk your friend’s dog.
Give a compliment about your waiter/waitress to his/her manager.
Send someone a small gift anonymously.
Stop and help someone replace their flat tire.
Let someone jump the line at the bank.
Pay for the drinks on the next table at a café.
Treat a friend to the movies for no reason.
Give a huge tip to someone when they least expect it.
Hold the train door open for someone rushing to get in.
Give up your seat for someone, not just an elderly person.
Write notes of appreciation at least once a week.
Talk to a homeless person and have a “normal” conversation.
Pick up some rubbish in the road which would otherwise be lying around.
Compliment a work colleague for their excellence.
Recommend a competitor to a potential client.
Give another driver your parking spot.
Give a piece of fruit to a delivery person.
Help an elderly neighbor carry the rubbish out.
Tell all your family members how much your appreciate them.
Leave a copy of an interesting book on a train/bus.
Buy an inspirational book for a friend.
Send a thank you note to a person who has helped you in the past.
Smile a lot.
Once you get started, you may find it a habit hard to break!
For even more inspiration, and support from other people who are passionate about passing on kindness to others, check out The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation at www.ActsOfKindness.org.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
My Art Work
The one with the green nest is the least resolved. The fabric just sits on the paper and is unrelated to the rest of the work. I will work on it tomorrow. For the most part, everything is complete - perhaps the occasional tweaking (small). It will be interesting to see if the leaves stay green under gel medium or if they turn brown.
The nest represents self, identity. We are receiving to what's around us, symbols, imagery, and making sense of it, self reconstructed, changing moment by moment.
Wisdom Journal
It's back to journaling for Wisdom. The initiative is Granting Being. Allowing whoever is in front of me to be all of themselves, fully expressed, however that shows up. It's a new muscle to practice with, and last night it took a whole lot for me to be present to granting being. My friend was rude, saying mean things, and I was granting being. This was not fun and left me perplexed with this new assignment.
Today I spoke to Cherri (my coach) and discovered I can still step up and say something to have him reflect on where his comments could be coming from, if perhaps he was looking for a reaction, and what might that reaction be. Leading someone into an inquiry is not about making wrong, judging, it's having an opportunity for revelation. Often we are trapped into doing, automatically saying that we no longer think about what's beneath that, what drives those comments? Sometimes freedom and relatedness comes when we realize we don't have to do that anymore.
My good annonymous deed has been geared to traffic, letting cars a space to move in or out of, easing off the gas pedal, tidying up my eating area, pushing the chair in, when I'm working out re-setting the weights to 0. Basically cleaning up, picking up after myself so someone else doesn't have to, ensuring the place is welcoming when I leave.
My Velocity course is truly amazing. I am present to my creating results, how, why, and when results are being created and who I am being around results. I've always had it that I need 33 hours to create a work of art. This weekend I am whipping through unusual small art creations in the space of hours and declaring them complete. Unlike the past, it's not based on have to, it's due, or looking good. It's just about being adventurous and playful and loving everything that turns up. I get to make tons of marks, get lost in the moment and try something different. Paper Machie on paper with twigs/leaves and soft pastel. Tons of fun.
I emailed the art teachers and invited them to play with me in art this summer. Perhaps I can pull together a community of artists - that would be awesome.
One last artwork...
Today I spoke to Cherri (my coach) and discovered I can still step up and say something to have him reflect on where his comments could be coming from, if perhaps he was looking for a reaction, and what might that reaction be. Leading someone into an inquiry is not about making wrong, judging, it's having an opportunity for revelation. Often we are trapped into doing, automatically saying that we no longer think about what's beneath that, what drives those comments? Sometimes freedom and relatedness comes when we realize we don't have to do that anymore.
My good annonymous deed has been geared to traffic, letting cars a space to move in or out of, easing off the gas pedal, tidying up my eating area, pushing the chair in, when I'm working out re-setting the weights to 0. Basically cleaning up, picking up after myself so someone else doesn't have to, ensuring the place is welcoming when I leave.
My Velocity course is truly amazing. I am present to my creating results, how, why, and when results are being created and who I am being around results. I've always had it that I need 33 hours to create a work of art. This weekend I am whipping through unusual small art creations in the space of hours and declaring them complete. Unlike the past, it's not based on have to, it's due, or looking good. It's just about being adventurous and playful and loving everything that turns up. I get to make tons of marks, get lost in the moment and try something different. Paper Machie on paper with twigs/leaves and soft pastel. Tons of fun.
I emailed the art teachers and invited them to play with me in art this summer. Perhaps I can pull together a community of artists - that would be awesome.
One last artwork...
Monday, June 9, 2008
Fresh Insight
This weekend I took a class called: Understanding Men and Sex. It was truly insightful. I cleared my sexual history, really got to see how sex is for men from their perspective, can differentiate clearly from lust and a loving relationship - see the impact of not knowing has had on my life. Mike noticed immediately that I was more confident around him. I can clearly see how he sees me as beautiful.
Today, I went to the gym - and it wasn't to have my body beautiful for a guy, it was to build strength for personal gain. The best part of taking workshops aimed for personal growth and development is the peace of mind, acceptance, and allowance for the other person to exist in their full potential.
Today, it's Velocity meeting at Nellos, 7pm with coursework complete. My intention is to have 10 completed artworks portfolio ready by the end of 1 1/2 months, and submit to a Paper Exhibit in July. Who I am as possibility around my project is magnificient self-expression. The title for my project is: Creative Exploration.
Presently, who I am around producing results is someone who gets busy to hide and not be related to people, I go into survival mode to get it done, need adrenaline to complete it in a slap dash manner, leaving many projects unfinished. Through Velocity I'm looking to train myself in getting breakthrough results that I apply to every aspect of my life.
Today, I went to the gym - and it wasn't to have my body beautiful for a guy, it was to build strength for personal gain. The best part of taking workshops aimed for personal growth and development is the peace of mind, acceptance, and allowance for the other person to exist in their full potential.
Today, it's Velocity meeting at Nellos, 7pm with coursework complete. My intention is to have 10 completed artworks portfolio ready by the end of 1 1/2 months, and submit to a Paper Exhibit in July. Who I am as possibility around my project is magnificient self-expression. The title for my project is: Creative Exploration.
Presently, who I am around producing results is someone who gets busy to hide and not be related to people, I go into survival mode to get it done, need adrenaline to complete it in a slap dash manner, leaving many projects unfinished. Through Velocity I'm looking to train myself in getting breakthrough results that I apply to every aspect of my life.
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